Putting the Personal in Style

Knowing yourself is the first step to finding your personal style.

The difference between right and wrong in fashion is whether the thing you’re wearing feels like you or not. It’s not if it makes you look slim or curvy or whatever is popular right now. Is it you?

Which begets the question: who are you?

We all experience multiple identity-level shifts in our lives, like graduating from university or becoming a parent, travelling the world or experiencing a big breakup. We wear our identity like a costume, and during these times of evolution, we adjust and hem it accordingly.

I think the Misplaced Style project caught people’s attention because we had collectively experienced a global identity shift during the pandemic when the regular scaffolding of our lives was dismantled. My project was not about clothes, it was about identity. To understand how to dress myself I had to understand my values, my politics, my privilege, my financial goals, the environmental impact of my decisions and the sociology of consumption. I thought I was getting a handle on it, and then I got sick.

To recover from Long Covid, I have had to delve even deeper into my subconscious and explore the various joys, hurts, scars, and experiences that have shaped my identity. I’ve splayed myself open like a dissected frog, unravelling the tangled hose of my inner self. I have laid it all out and meticulously examined the pieces to understand why my body experienced such a dramatic breakdown.

I’ve learned that my genetics and some sneaky underlying conditions not only made me susceptible to Long Covid but have influenced my thoughts, feelings and the stories I’ve told myself my whole life.

It turns out that I’m not bad at sports; I am genetically clumsy and intolerant to exercise. My elbows turning in on themselves is not just a cool party trick, but rather a manifestation of a connective tissue disorder. Most alarmingly, the self-flagellating ambition I have developed to succeed in life is a coping mechanism that will keep me unwell if I do not learn to be more patient and kind to myself.

The universe invited me to start from zero. I have been forced to drop my armour, and my assumptions, and to see myself as if for the first time. This year I have learned the importance of selecting my thoughts and the stories I tell myself like I used to select my clothes each day: with intention.

It is not possible to wake up and become a new version of yourself.

Our nervous systems and bodies are designed to protect us, which means they keep us in the familiar because the known is safe.

For me, this is quite extreme right now. My body wants to keep me in bed, and my job is to coax it out and extend its safe boundary slowly. But we all feel those limits when we step beyond the safety of the known.

We feel it when we try a new hairstyle or wear a different cut of jeans. Our heart beats a little faster, we’re more alert to other people’s reactions, and we’re ready to shrink back to safety if our body signals too much vulnerability. This is why finding personal style can be so hard - we’re wired to keep doing what we have established safety doing.

We’re also wired to fit in with the crowd. Nearly 40% of Americans have overspent to impress someone else, especially on clothes, shoes or accessories. The link between this conspicuous consumption and feeling uncertain about yourself is not surprising: the people who are spending the most to keep up with the Joneses are the people who have the most moral, cognitive, and interpersonal self-uncertainty. So the less certain you are about yourself, the more likely you are to engage in conspicuous consumption.

Which is exactly what marketing teams are leveraging. They “promise” that buying their products will make you feel better about yourself. Though from personal experience we know this isn’t always the case, and the data shows that the vast majority who overspent to impress others wish they hadn’t - 77% say they regret overspending.

In 2024, I invite you to join me in remembering that personal style is not about shopping. It is about knowing who you are and declaring who you want to be. Our identity is not fixed, so this is a lifetime endeavour of slow unfurling and gentle adjustment. For me, this takes the pressure off keeping up with trends or buying the latest hot item, because I know I can’t buy self-certainty and belonging. Spending the time to truly know myself is a far greater reward.

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What’s your relationship to clothes?

A couple of years ago people were asking me for a step-by-step guide to finding your style. I have never aspired to be a stylist or a trend forecaster, telling people what to wear. So, instead, I created a series of journal prompts to help people kickstart their personal style evolution by reflecting on their relationship to clothes. To my surprise, I sold 130 copies. If you’re keen to kick off 2024 with a reflection on your style, you can find the prompts here.